"Surely something wonderful is sheltered inside you. The courage to go on that hunt; the surprising results of that hunt - that's what I call BIG MAGIC"
Brene Brown
August 3, 2022
My First Year On Maui
February 12, 2021
My Darling Sweet Darling Away From Home
“I’m not sure” is a common answer when I ask other foreigners “How long are you here for?” I’m in the same boat and it’s a such a freeing feeling to let go of old visions of our lives pre-pandemic. Sold most of the few things I owned in Sac, let go of my gem of a lease, and came to Tulum with just carry-ons to join my heart-driven bestie.
The thing about heart-driven souls like us is we rarely stay put in one place for too long. Just from personal experience and observation of other loud hearts I’d say big shifts happen about every 4 years: A break up or commitment, a move or investment, a breakthrough or breakdown – they are all a part of life and to avoid or minimize them is not in our nature. In fact, we seek and crave these experiences. It can definitely be a rollercoaster at times but the learning and connections along the way is well worth it.
I can (for now) say this will be home for the next few months and I’m so grateful to have found a hearty spot. When guests got stuck in the first closure last year some of them never left and the owners (the sweetest mom and daughter) changed operations to fit the times. They now rent on a monthly basis and Teresa, the madre, sees her guests as her own children – familia. Even the owner of the vegan cafe at the lobby has been part of her extended family for over 20 years. I’m not sure about a lot of things but I’m feeling good about sorting through some of it here.
September 14th, 2020
Divorce, Death, & Diffusing the Dark
We are more than half through 2020 and I think it goes without saying that between a pandemic, social movement, wildfires, and a divorce blogging hasn’t been on the top of my to-get to list. It might be worth saying the last item is why I was MIA for all of 2019 and has been the catalyst to work that is just now starting to feel less mysterious and daunting, so here I am. Synchronically on the radio today, I heard “Sharing our stories can open an opportunity for someone else to connect to their own story in a new or deeper way”. So here are some of my stories that might bring you closer to yours in some way.
Break ups are always hard but a divorce shakes this ideal of forever that will have the biggest romantics (hi!) questioning permanency in every aspect of life. I’m not an expert at relationships or how to recover from a divorce so I don’t have any nuggets of gold in those realms – other than to say therapy and self-discovery practices have helped me tremendously. What I know about myself is that I crave new experiences that expand my comfort zones on a regular basis and when I feel stagnant I feel like the walls are caving in. That caving in wall feeling happened in my marriage and instead of speaking up I stayed quiet, went back to bad old habits, and was overcome with shame and guilt for feeling like I needed and wanted more than the socially picturesque life we had built over four years. Everyone says communication is key to a healthy lasting relationship but what I’m coming to learn about myself is that it is incredibly difficult for me to really own my needs let alone talk about them. So I slipped into silent sabotage survival mode and after moving out decided I had to do some work.
My first therapist was referred to me by a friend and was a great starting point to my healing journey but it was the one after her that really kicked things in high gear. Just like any relationship a therapist has to be a good match. Yes, there are good ones but the more you know yourself the more you can shop around for a therapist that will feel more like a curated Spotify playlist rather than the FM radio. For example, my therapist had qualities I already valued or wished to embody: A yogi, very direct but also kind with her communication, and was open to feedback. She guides me towards validation & offers various tools to move forward with – two biggest gifts I believe a good therapist can offer. In fact, she often asks me “empathy or strategy?” whenever a new issue comes on the table. Truth is she usually ends up offering both. Some of the tools are books, affirming recollection, role-play, on the spot exercises and home work, and open-ended questions that push me to answer as honestly as possible. I am so grateful to have found a therapist that leaves me feeling whole and equipped to be more honest and kind with myself and others. I highly recommend finding a person or practice that can empower you to navigate the parts you tend to hide or hate. No matter how painful or scary that process sounds, I can speak from experience that it’s worth it. You’re worth accepting ALL parts of your past and present self. You’re worth living with less shame, fear, and guilt. You are worth all the possibility that is on the other side of being consumed by your own sabotaging thoughts and habits.
Other endings that have made a big imprint on my heart has been the passing of loved ones’ loved ones. I have been fortunate enough to never have someone close to me die, but in the last three years I’ve been deeply moved by the passing of three people I barely knew. The lessons and gifts they left to the people I do know made me realize how powerful our heart energy is – it transcends our physical existence and can alter the course of those still living. I’ve cried and felt the hole that was left by these souls because of the tears and holes felt by their friends and families. I’ve also laughed, celebrated, and felt so inspired by the memories they created while they were here. It’s been a beautiful reminder of how lasting loving gestures are and how deeply connected and needed we all are.
So if love lasts and we are all connected, why does it feel like there is more division in the world than ever? I’ve felt the weight of our differences, opinions, judgments, and it’s been so damn heavy. In an effort to ease my own anxiety and frustrations I went searching. Searching for new ways to ease my own suffering so I could start to feel like myself. I found EFT (Emotional Freedom Tapping) which has helped me release some of the heaviness. I’m also back to ten minutes of guided meditation a day. These practices keep me in my heart – the biggest force in my life keeping me safe and sane through all this chaos. These practices also keep me inspired to serve. I will begin EFT training this weekend and am so excited to weave it into my classes. It is such a fulfilling honor to witness others sitting, moving, crying, and laughing – being so humanly human in a sacred space. Yes, there are and always will be darkness but there will also always be moments of love, healing, and joy. Both will always exist but sometimes the dark comes in fuller force – and that my friends is when we must work to find the light again. We’ve made it this far, and there is so much more light ahead.
January 24, 2019
January Was a Hill
The first few weeks of January were rough and I’m finally feeling like I can sit here and write about it without feeling like a puddle. If I could sum up the past 3 weeks in a nutshell: DOUBT.
I’m currently wearing a reminder bracelet (shout out to my Solfire sisters Alli and Chelsie for the Sankalpa workshop) to help manage my doubt demons: TRUST.
The first big bump of the new year came in the form of my first attempt to lead a four day philosophy workshop. As the first day approached to the workshop a huge storm hit Sacramento and knocked power out at the studio – leading me to cancel the first meeting. Funny how Mother Nature can sometimes lead us to a lesson we think we have already learned. With the cancelation of the first session and low interest, the workshop was canceled altogether and I felt a combination of failure and frustration. I played big and it didn’t work out but now I have some lessons under my belt moving forward. Work smarter not harder as they say, right?
The second bump of this month was an attempt to do a ten day food cleanse midway into the month. Needless to say when my workshop didn’t pan out as I hoped I turned to food for comfort. White rice and bread are my go to and after day two of the cleanse I was all up in a PBJ and bowl of rice. No regrets or lessons to report on that front since I don’t see myself giving up bread or rice any time soon. Some lessons aren’t for this lifetime. #ricevice #curewithcarbs
The new year also brought challenges in the realm of asking for what I want and saying no to what I don’t want. Letting go of relationships that felt like work were starting to come to a head and having to speak up for myself has always been a struggle. Creating social and professional boundaries has been a new thing for me and some have gone smoother than others but all for the sake of my peace of mind – which has become a top priority for me this year. Being more careful about what I say yes to on my days off and how much I am willing to be paid for my time has also been a new muscle that I’m learning to exercise.
Ten years ago I never would imagine being a full time yoga teacher and I still can’t believe I get to wake up five days a week and share a practice that has grown me in ways I never knew were even there. One of my teachers recently said “When it gets hard to stay give the mind something to hold – a mantra, a stone, something”. It was a great analogy that also reminded me that even the strongest minds face struggle and need help now and then – if you’re on one of your own hills I hope you know you are not alone and it is all with a lesson. Learn to rest when you want to quit and love yourself harder when you want to hide or fight.
December 5, 2018
"There" is No Better Than "Here"
Have you ever said no or declined an offer without an apology or excuse? If you have, were you able to do it without feeling guilt, shame, or concern for how it was received? At a recent retreat our group practiced giving and receiving the answer “no” to demonstrate how difficult it can be to say and hear no. As an opportunist people pleaser with a fear of missing out and disappointing authority, I can say that my “yesitis” has led to many random moments, a hectic schedule at times, and never feeling like where I am is enough. I am just now starting to chip away at a huge tree that has been planted in my mind that my worth is related to how many things and people I can say yes to.
This tree is not small, guys. It’s like drive-your-car-through the trunk California sequoia big. I don’t expect it to be completely cut down in my lifetime but at least I know it exists and I can start to navigate my way through it with the help of awareness and focus. As Steve Jobs said, “People think focus means saying yes to the thing you’ve got to focus on, but that’s not it at all. It means saying no to the hundred other good ideas.”
Going into December with a couple of mantras too to help tackle my floating yes mind: “Yes is no better than No” and “There is no better than Here”. Cheers to the Here & No friends!
November 5, 2018
Breaking up with Yes to Let Helllll Yeahhhh In
Recently heard in my first 90 minute spin class was “You don’t have to say yes to everything but when you do it should be a “Hell fuckin’ YEAHHH!” I love that. Even though I know it’s not meant to be taken literally or for every choice in life I can’t help but think of the times in my life where things were fine – even good – and then through a dip of chance, choice, and trust things got way better. Whether you’re in a great, good, or shitty situation I think perspective of all those times is a good practice – it keeps us balanced and grateful. Here are a couple times in my life where I’ve gone through the biggest highs and lows.
Side note: If you’re in need of a pick up from a recent break up that’s more bitter than sweet, feel free to tune into my “Break to Build” Spotify Playlist – it’s what I would listen to whenever I’m in a funk or needed to be reminded nothing lasts forever.
Prior to my current ‘yeahhh’ hubs I had been in a string of ‘yes’ relationships. The last one before my now sol-mate (pun intended) was the hardest break up I had to go through because it was the first time I actually respected and loved the guy and nothing was glaringly wrong with our relationship. I had been so used to settling for guys that weren’t right for me that when I found a good match I never stopped to question me happiness for the first two years. The third year my happy meter re-calibrated and I began to reassess if I could be happier. I made the hard choice to end that relationship after listening to my gut and curiosity and even though I made that decision it was definitely not a clean break – I wanted to keep ties and still sleep over as a ‘friend’ or have lunch dates but in the end we both (him even more because he was smarter than me) knew that it wasn’t helping either of us to stay in touch. Space and time needed to be between us and eventually after months of cutting ties I got into my first ever single groove. I found a studio in midtown and lived by myself for the first time, did the casual Tinder dating for the first time, and dove all in to a consistent yoga practice. Without that break up I would never had found the part of me that was able to be free – no roommates, no boyfriend, no unhealthy friendships (I also broke up with my two closest friends at the time), nothing holding me back from the things I wanted to explore! I also fell in love with yoga – which has now become a part of me and the catalyst to my other most recent big break up…
Two days ago marked my last day serving tables and leaping into teaching full time. Breaking up with a 15+ year waitress career that got me through college, paid off my car, and has supported me financially for my entire adult-ish life thus far is mostly sweet. The bitter parts are not seeing the friends I’ve made at work as often and trusting that yoga gigs will continue to come my way. This full time teaching thing is still new and I’m sure some highs and lows are ahead but if I’ve learned anything through new beginnings it’s that nothing lasts forever and learning to find the lesson through all of it is the key to taking it all in gracefully.
Humanly Holy
I was born in San Bernardino, California but my mother and family were all born in Thailand. Growing up I would go to Buddhist temple with them and I still feel very connected to the spiritual teachings of Buddhism as an adult. One of my most favorite sounds in the world is that of monks chanting scripture – it instantly drops me into a childhood zen state.
During our first family trip together in Thailand while we were visiting one of the many temples I noticed one of the monks smoking a cigarette. I couldn’t believe a man devoting his life to holiness could have such an un-holy habit! When I asked my grandma about the misbehaved monk she simply answered with “He still a human”.
At the time that answer left me unsatisfied and I left that temple feeling confused and somewhat disappointed. Then I began to study the teachings of yoga and like the sun creeping through the clouds – all became clearer.
Karma (actions) and Samskaras (the deep impressions of habit) have helped to tame the critic that can be very loud within me. The yoga texts explain how we are all born with samskaras (one of my teachers describes them as scratches/scars that never go away but can be buffed/smoothed out with awareness and love) from past lives that may never work its way out in this life – they are there for a reason – a lesson is still to be learned. I have been able to be more present in my day to day when I witness my struggles as lessons without a due date. If there is a habit or pet peeve you have about others or yourself, can you see the lesson within it? Can you smooth the rough edges of a quick judgment with a patient acknowledgment of how far we have come and still have to go?
Oct 16, 2018
Off Beat But On Track
There are many things I attempt and fail at over and over again. Boardgames with Sol, journaling, handstands, and most recently: staying on beat during spin training.
Did you know every song has a half beat, full beat, and double beat and that those beats vary depending on the speed of the song? That if you plan to teach a spin class you need to know which beat the song should be cued to, which workout it fits best, and that some songs should lead with your dominant lead foot and others with your goofy? That most songs change every 15 seconds and rap songs are typically difficult to cue to? Taking all this in while pedaling on a static bike and talking into a microphone has been humbling to say the least and I’ve learned that my ears and feet need a lot more practice before they match that damn beat.
If there is anything I have learned about myself through failure is that my will is stronger than “no”, “not this time”, “needs work”, and “so close”. I learned first hand the powers of a dedicated practice and patience with my first driving exam (I still can’t parallel park without seven attempts in and out) and that what we set our hearts on most rarely come to us the first time around. Knowing how difficult this process is right now only tells me that I am on track to some BIG MAGIC.
